Debate Drinking Game Death Toll Could Reach Into Thousands

EMTs likely to be overwhelmed with casualties following tonight's debate.

EMTs likely to be overwhelmed with casualties following tonight’s debate.

(Washington, D.C.) The U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has taken the unprecedented step of issuing a dire warning against participation in drinking games during this evening’s presidential debate. “Thousands of Americans could die, with hundreds of thousands more subject to alcohol poisoning and alcohol-related injuries,” CDC spokeswoman May Getzic said in a statement issued late Sunday. While debate ‘parties’ have long been an American election season tradition, the sheer lunacy of this year’s race will prompt many citizens to engage in life-threatening drinking behaviors, Getzic said. Such behaviors include but are not limited to drinking every time a candidate makes an inflammatory and/or blatantly false statement. Getzic predicts that during tonight’s debate, this could translate to upwards of three sips per minute—roughly the equivalent of 10 glasses of wine or beer per hour, or 20 drinks over the course of a standard two-hour debate. The CDC is urging emergency rooms nationwide to prepare for an onslaught of casualties from 10 p.m. EDT onward. While the safest option is to avoid debate drinking games completely, the CDC acknowledges that a widespread alcoholism epidemic would wreak less havoc on the country than a Trump or Clinton presidency.

Childhood Defined

There are some words, phrases, and expressions that, during childhood, are often misconstrued. And often hilariously so, as any parent can surely attest.

As a little kid, I didn’t know much about the sport of bolleyball. When we played it once in gym class, I learned that “bolleyvall” was actually the correct term. But as I matured, I recall basking in a smug feeling of superiority when I began correcting my peers’ pronunciation — to volleyvall, of course.

Did any of your teachers consider the word “bathroom” impolite? My first grade teacher did, so when students felt the need arise, we would ask her permission to go to the laboratory.

Of course, being a precocious child, I was wise enough to know that a “flaming yawn” was a really good piece of steak, and that all tv shows were “bra-chewed by” whichever commercial came next. Took me awhile to figure out “grain assault,” but fortunately some adult was kind enough to explain it to me before I adopted a gluten-free diet out of sheer terror.

Apparently, an adult clone of 6-year-old me manages the breakfast buffet at a hotel somewhere.

Apparently, an adult clone of 6-year-old me manages the breakfast buffet at a hotel somewhere.

We drank pop growing up. But I was always curious to try this other mysterious drink known as “soda” that I had read about in a book, and also seen on vacation somewhere. One beverage I definitely did not want to try though was skin milk. Who would want to drink something composed of liquefied flakes of epidermis? I much preferred whole milk, which I poured liberally onto my Raisin Brand™ cereal.

Human beans. Need I say more.

… Yes, yes I do need say more. Because of kidney beans, a particular variety of human beans, obviously harvested from dead people’s midsections. Why oh why did people make this thing called “chili”? Cannibalism, sheer cannibalism!

Speaking of violent acts… There were also the rape artists. Sigh. Because apparently committing a violent crime requires some sort of artistic ability? I’m guessing this one must have been some sort of an amalgamation of “rapist” and “con artist.”

Then there were the diseases. For a couple of weeks, I kept my distance from the lunch and recess monitors at school, as I feared I would catch AIDs from these “aids.”

Coming down with ammonia for the first time in fifth grade was a decidedly unpleasant experience. But after two weeks spent languishing in bed, at least I had learned that ammonia was meant for disinfecting after the pneumonia.

Sewercide- Watermarked

One definition that persisted in continuously evading me throughout childhood was that of “suicide.” It was at some point during elementary school that I first heard the word “suicide,” when I and the other neighborhood kids were standing around at the school bus stop one morning. One of the kids mentioned something about a famous person and “suicide,” and another noted that the funeral for said person was happening on such-and-such day. Having not been paying complete attention to the conversation, and realizing that we were standing near a rather large sewer grate, I put two and two together and assumed that “suicide” was when a person fell into a sewer and died. For a few days after that, I was careful not to stand too close to the edge of the sewer grate (although I did wonder whether I was actually thin enough to slip through). I believed in this meaning of suicide for quite some time, until I overheard another conversation about it, from which I gleaned that suicide was a purposeful act. So, I refined my definition — suicide must be a form of murder; it’s when someone kills someone else by pushing them into a sewer. This belief persisted for awhile, too… Until, after hearing people repeatedly using the phrase “commit suicide,” I finally realized that suicide is something one does to themselves — suicide is when a person purposefully jumps into a sewer, knowing that they will die from doing so. How had I gotten it so wrong all those years?!? I needn’t worry anymore about falling into sewers, nor about getting pushed in — what a relief! It wasn’t until middle school that I learned that, unfortunately, people can commit suicide regardless of whether they can fit through a sewer grate. (As an adult, still whenever I hear the word “suicide,” an image of a sewer grate immediately comes to mind.)

Other odd associations and terminologies have endured into adulthood as well. To this day, if someone is too flaky to commit to a plan, I don’t know whether they like to “play it by ear” or “play it by year.” I also still call a man’s dress shirt a “blouse” because I know of no better one-syllable word for these button-down collared shirts.

And the perpetual wedding of the pepper shaker groom and salt shaker bride continues to fascinate me. I think we can all learn something from their marriage, from how they always travel together, side-by-side, across vast dining tables — a microcosm, perhaps, of our travels through life.

I hate to end on a sad note, but not all foods travel through life together. For many years, I believed that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben were a match made in Aisle 7… Until I discovered the existence of that homewrecker, Mrs. Buttersworth.



Challenge Not Accepted.

This wasn’t supposed to be the second post. The second post was supposed to be something else. But it’s 3 a.m. and I have to write this. I have to write this because I cannot believe what’s going on here. The Ice Bucket Challenge is what — the craze that has swept through social media like bird flu in a Guangdong poultry market. No wait, 2,000 times faster than that. I realize that many of you support this effort wholeheartedly and think it’s the greatest fundraising/awareness campaign ever. This post is not disputing its success in terms of fundraising to combat a horrible disease. (

This post is about sheeple. It is about herd mentality. It is about doing something that you are ambivalent about. Or that you don’t have all the facts about, facts that might even contradict your religious beliefs. Or that you simply don’t want to do, that you perhaps believe is silly, or useless, or even stupid, but then going ahead and doing it anyway. This post is for those of you who reluctantly posted ice-dumping videos of yourself with captions like “here’s my friggin’ Ice Bucket Challenge” or “the Ice Bucket Challenge finally got me.” This post is especially for those of you who told me in private — or in a comment on my Facebook page, not your own — how ridiculous you thought the Ice Bucket Challenge was….. but then posted a video on your page two days later of ice being dumped on your head (or a copy of your ALSA donation receipt).

Why did you do it? Because you felt like you had to. Because you felt obliged, or heckled, or guilted, or shamed. Because you’d feel embarrassed if you didn’t. Because you want to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Because you don’t want to look greedy, selfish, or indifferent. Because you are a nice person, and you want to make sure that nobody thinks otherwise. (Or maybe you just wanted to show that you’re popular, since after all, you WERE nominated, whereas plenty of others weren’t — but that’s a different story completely.)

Let us all, for a moment, clear our minds and envision ourselves in a different time and place. (I’m not going to say where or when, yet.) Someone ‘nominates’ us to do something. They choose us because they think we will do a good job, or because they know they can count on us, or because they think we’ll find it fun, or maybe because they just don’t know who else to choose but feel compelled to choose SOMEone. The thing that’s being done, it isn’t completely understood by many of the individuals who are doing it. But the general consensus seems to be that it’s a good thing; it is thought to be helpful to individuals, and beneficial to society as a whole. So therefore, even though we may not personally fully ‘get’ it or entirely agree with it, we go ahead and do it anyway. And by doing it, we are in turn obligated to get others to join in. And more and more do, because the way the whole thing is set up, you stand out like a sore thumb if you don’t. You might even look like a bad person if you don’t. So what happens next? A general feeling of camaraderie ensues. There are some meetings. Songs are sung. Some beer is drunk. Glass breaks.

So….. where/when are we?


Germany, 1938.

big group of Nazis

NaziSalute middle ground

Or are you her

When a majority of people don’t question and just DO — when they give up their right to say “no” — shocking and horrifying things can sometimes result.

But, wait. It doesn’t have to work this way. Have reservations about participating? Well, you have a choice. A choice to join or not join. A choice to do or not do, whatever is being asked of you.

Instead of being a sheeple, why not be this guy:

be this guy.

I leave you with this.

Sie haben 24 Stunden.

The Most Judgmental Types of People

judge-generic sneering

Whether they like to admit it or not, every human being forms opinions about what they see and experience. But what causes someone to be considered a judgmental person?

Merriam-Webster defines the word judgmental as “tending to judge people too quickly and critically.” describes it as “tending to make moral judgments” and “denoting an attitude in which judgments about other people’s conduct are made,” while the Oxford Dictionary explains it as “having or displaying an excessively critical point of view.” And perhaps most interestingly, Urban Dictionary ascribes a cause to it: “usually caused by closed mindedness, and a lack of manners.”

Putting this all together, it seems that judgmental people share two fundamental qualities:
1. They are particularly critical of what they perceive as vices in others, and
2. They voice these criticisms aloud.

Usually, being called judgmental is considered an insult. But perhaps being judgmental isn’t always a negative attribute. For instance, some people believe so strongly in some things that they truly think they are helping others by voicing their opinions, which they may consider constructive criticism or even sage advice. Yet these judgments are frequently construed by the person on the receiving end as unnecessary, offensive, even hurtful.

So, do any groups of people, in very general societal terms, tend to be more judgmental than others? Well, allow me to offer some judgments about that…

Religious Fundamentalists.
Not your average modern churchgoer, fundamentalists are the scarlet-letterers who wholeheartedly believe that the contents of a particular book consist of absolute truth and indisputable ethical directives. In their minds, the religion to which they adhere is unquestionably, indisputably correct; hence, they are apt to cast moral judgments upon any who break its rules. And when fundamentalists attempt to enforce their harshest judgments on others, the results can be atrocious: think Islamofascists, abortion clinic bombers.
(As an aside, that oft-heard expression “Hate the sin, love the sinner” is just a transparent veil for judgment. Ghandi probably didn’t intend his words to be flung around by the religious right as a way to ostracize gays and lesbians.)

People Who Don’t Travel.
What types of people are most likely to espouse assertions along the lines of ‘America is the best country in the world’? Those who have never actually been to other countries, of course. (Well, they may have briefly visited Friendlier America, aka Canada.) To their credit, these people at least recognize how fortunate they are to not have been born in the Third World. However, that doesn’t excuse their baseless conclusions that the ways of life in Australia, Ireland, Germany, Japan and other First World countries are somehow inferior. Personally, I think people born in certain other places, such as Denmark, have it better than Americans, but that is beyond of the scope of this topic. Next…

Morning People.
If you are a night owl, you know exactly what I’m talking about, as you’ve surely been told in some way or another that you should go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. Heck, morning people even make up sayings about how superior their lifestyles are: “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Their judgments are so prevalent that night owls have come to be thought of almost like cigarette smokers: an outcast group who must slink off into the shadows to indulge in their maligned habit. Consider that society generally perceives a person who rises at 6 a.m. and works a traditional 9-to-5 job as more hardworking than someone who rises at noon and works from 4 p.m. to midnight. It matters not that the number of hours worked is equivalent; the latter-shift worker slept til noon, so therefore he is lazier.

Feminazis and Menazis.
I’m not talking about regular ’ole equal rights/pay feminists here. I’m talking about those extreme feminists who find it necessary to interrogate a married woman about why she chose to take her husband’s last name. Don’t think there’s much more to say here; passive-aggressively criticizing someone for following an innocuous cultural norm is pretty judgmental. On the other hand, however, it is equally judgmental to disparage a woman who has selected to keep her maiden name. Choice of name affects no one besides the named individual—and the effects on said individual are pretty minimal—so why do some people get so hung up on this?

Very Financially Successful People.
Some (not all) highly accomplished people view the success they’ve had in their careers as stemming entirely from their own efforts, neglecting to recognize contributing factors like nurturing parents, a stable childhood, access to a quality education, social connections, and even sheer luck. As a result, they assume that those who are less successful just haven’t worked hard enough to earn their success. Here lies an assumption as dangerous as that made by the religious fundamentalists: that those who have less are simply lazier, and therefore unworthy of the high standard of living enjoyed by the successful.

Militant Vegans and Militant Meat-Eaters.
You know who I mean. Not the everyday vegetarian who nonchalantly brings a quinoa casserole to a potluck, but the self-righteous animal-rights activist who preaches that everyone else should subscribe to her diet and calls you a horrible person if you eat a brownie (gasp, don’t you know there is EGG in that!). Or, conversely, the pot-bellied carnivore who proudly dons his “Save a cow, eat a vegetarian” muscle tee and calls you a pansy if you say no thanks to a hot dog encased in a hamburger wrapped in bacon and stuffed inside a turducken.

Paleodieters, Juicers, Cross-Fitters…
… And those subscribing to the next big health or fitness craze. Many of them are thoroughly convinced that they ‘feel better than ever’ and that therefore anyone else who cares about their own health should adopt their excessively restrictive, hard-core routines in order to ‘be at the top of their game.’ (I question though why the vast majority of these people fail to keep up with their regimens for more than a few months, or at most, a couple years. Hmm.)

In particular, former drinkers, and those who ‘have never touched alcohol’ because they grew up around alcoholics. These people may be apt to assume that because they had a problem with alcohol—or because they witnessed others who had a problem—that alcohol must be the problem in and of itself. Hence, occasionally tossing back a few beers with friends is deemed “bad,” a glass of wine a day with dinner is “dangerous,” and anybody who experiences the occasional hangover is most certainly an alcoholic. (Some former smokers also fall into this category; although, unlike light-to-moderate drinking, light-to-moderate cigarette smoking is definitely detrimental to one’s health, so judgments in this arena at least stem from justifiable concerns.)

Parents Who Think Everyone Else Should Be Too.
Now, I do NOT mean to imply that all or even most parents are actively compelling innocent bystanders to instantaneously spawn. But there are those standout few who are befuddled when confronted with an adult of reproductive age, who is married and gainfully employed, yet childless. The entirely inappropriate comments/questions seeping from these parents’ lips range from “Why don’t you have kids yet?” to “When you gonna pop one out?” The mindset here, presumably, is ‘I had kids at a certain age; this person is the same age and is in an as good as or better situation than I was at that age, so they should start having kids.’

Old People.
Perhaps this is in part because they tend to fall into some of the other categories: for instance, they tend not to travel but do tend to be early risers; they have accumulated more wealth than other age groups; they see having children as the logical outcome of marriage; and on the whole they’re more religious than other age groups. But they also possess their own unique brand of judgmentalness. A sentence that starts off with “Back in my day….” is almost certain to end in a judgment concerning the inferiority of younger- and middle-aged folk. And old people actually refer to themselves as being part of “The Greatest Generation.” Seriously, how full of themselves can they be? Such terminology, based entirely on their sacrifices during WWII, inherently implies that veterans of Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan did not serve their country in as great a capacity. Ouch.

Kids are an interesting category because they can be some of the most judgmental as well as the least judgmental people. For instance, proclaiming guacamole to be ‘gross’ even though it’s never before crossed their lips, while finding it nothing more than a curiosity that one of their Asian playmates has a white mommy and a black daddy.

Is there anything they aren’t judgmental about? Oh wait yes: Junk food; they will eat anything/everything in sight. And they aren’t judgmental of night owls, either.

Fortunately, they are a vanishing culture, so much so that perhaps some younger readers may assume this category refers to insects and wonder why it’s in capital letters.

People Who Have Tattoos or Piercings. Oh and People Who Don’t Have Tattoos or Piercings.
The latter often consider the former punkish, rebellious, attention-seeking, or just plain weird. But the former sometimes think of the latter as boring, bland, vanilla.

… Ok, maybe not all bloggers; just those who have the audacity to write entire posts judging judgmental people.

People Who Judge People for Speculating on Which People Are the Most Judgmental.
You are judging right now. I know it! 😉