Debate Drinking Game Death Toll Could Reach Into Thousands

EMTs likely to be overwhelmed with casualties following tonight's debate.

EMTs likely to be overwhelmed with casualties following tonight’s debate.

(Washington, D.C.) The U.S. Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has taken the unprecedented step of issuing a dire warning against participation in drinking games during this evening’s presidential debate. “Thousands of Americans could die, with hundreds of thousands more subject to alcohol poisoning and alcohol-related injuries,” CDC spokeswoman May Getzic said in a statement issued late Sunday. While debate ‘parties’ have long been an American election season tradition, the sheer lunacy of this year’s race will prompt many citizens to engage in life-threatening drinking behaviors, Getzic said. Such behaviors include but are not limited to drinking every time a candidate makes an inflammatory and/or blatantly false statement. Getzic predicts that during tonight’s debate, this could translate to upwards of three sips per minute—roughly the equivalent of 10 glasses of wine or beer per hour, or 20 drinks over the course of a standard two-hour debate. The CDC is urging emergency rooms nationwide to prepare for an onslaught of casualties from 10 p.m. EDT onward. While the safest option is to avoid debate drinking games completely, the CDC acknowledges that a widespread alcoholism epidemic would wreak less havoc on the country than a Trump or Clinton presidency.